The essay is a good start. It provides a fair representation of your personality, showing a balance between academic and extracurricular interests, as well as a sense of humor. However, several aspects can be improved for more depth and specificity.
1. Show, Don't Tell: You've mentioned your interests, but it's better to offer relevant experiences that visually depict these activities. For example, instead of simply stating your interest in books and soccer, you could relate an incident where knowledge from a novel strategically played a role in a soccer match.
2. Harvard Reference: The mention about choosing Harvard appears generic lacking depth; it can be applied to any highly reputable university. Instead, illustrate distinct aspects of Harvard that specifically align with your interests or goals. For example, maybe there's a professor within your chosen major with whom you would love to work.
3. Anecdotes or Stories: Adding anecdotes or stories about your community work or your struggle with a bag of gummy bears will not only make the essay more engaging, but it will reveal more about your personality and character.
4. Clearer Transitions: The transitions between different parts of the essay can be smoother and more natural. For instance, you abruptly switch from talking about soccer to Harvard which may confuse readers momentarily. A transitional sentence could mitigate this issue.
5. Values and Character Traits: Try to provide implicit insights into your values or character traits through your experiences and interests. For instance, volunteering indicates a sense of responsibility and commitment to the welfare of others. Your fascination for books could demonstrate intellectual curiosity and open-mindedness.
6. Conclusion: The ending could be more impactful or persuasive. Instead of just hoping for great times at Harvard, you could express enthusiasm about contributing positively to Harvard and its community with your future roommate. Remember, the purpose of this essay is to demonstrate what you would contribute to the Harvard community and how you would engage with your future roommate. Tailoring anecdotes to reveal more about your character and aspirations will allow the essay to resonate better with the committee.